Tuesday, July 9, 2013

A Stand up Comedian called Rahul Gandhi

How do you describe Rahul Gandhi?

Beyond his fan club, this is how Rahul is described by Indians today.
  1. Social Media calls him a Pappu – and it is not for no reason. You will know why after reading this writeup fully.
  2. R Jethmalani frowned at him as a Disaster – This one speech will prove Ram J 100% right.
  3. Youtube comments term him as a retard – And that is not longer an insult. You can see it for yourself why.
  4. S Swamy “praises” him as a Buddhu – He has proved he's way beyond a Buddhu, in this speech.
  5. VS Achuthanandnan laughed at him as an Amul Baby – This speech's logic will even make kids chuckle.
For now, let's politely call him a stand up comedian.. an unintended one, but that's OK :)

There are three parts to this writeup. The Video, Serious questions and Humorous comments. Ideally go in that order, but if you are pressed for time, skip the first or even the second section to run to the third section. 

Section 1:

Firstly, Watch this video of Rahul Gandhi's speech at the CII with hilarious scrolling texts, and you will know why we want to call him a stand up comedian. He turns into a joke by himself, makes no sense, has no oratory skills and makes a mockery of himself by going all around with zero meaningful message delivery.

Rahul Gandhi Epic Fails Marathon at CII (Chamber of Indian Commerce) 

Section 2:
After I made the mistake of listening to the entire video, a hilarious mistake though, let me ask Rahul Gandhi some serious questions. I swear to God, I could not make head or tail of what he was saying, so these are honest questions of a confused listener. If you have a chance to meet Rahul ever, as he has no presence in the social media directly, please pass on these questions to him and educate us about his answers.

1) Dear Rahul Gandhi, What is India?

Rahul: “There is a tendency to look at India as a country. In our everyday life we see India as a national structure. But if you go back slightly more than that, go back a hundred, two hundred years, you would find that India is energy, it is a force. If you go back a thousand years, two thousand years, you would find that force came from our rivers, Ganga, Yamuna, Saraswati. We worshiped these rivers and the reason we worshiped these rivers was because that is where our energy came from, and everything we had was built on these rivers. Now we have gone way beyond that. We have built structures that are allowing this energy to rise, to explode. And it’s an honour for me to be here because as this energy moves from India and goes abroad, you are the cutting edge. You are the people on the first line. You are the people who are our ambassadors. You are the people who tell the world what this energy is about

Confusion: Dear Rahul, if India is not a country, but a national structure, which was energy 200 years back, also a force 200 years back, was the energy of rivers we worshiped 2000 years back, and now this energy is about to explode, and it will move abroad via the cutting edge first line of business people (the audience), who are also the ambassadors, what should they tell the world India is?? Can you come again?

2) Did anyone in the world think of India in 1991?

Rahul: “Over the last couple of years, you have done a tremendous job. The image of India
has changed. I went to University in 1991, and I remember, nobody thought of India.”

Clarification: Rahul, I don't know if you recall properly while getting into that 'unnamed' university in 1991, but I was old enough in 1991 to absorb the world views clearly. The world was laughing at India that went bankrupt by 1990. Yes, the image was not positive, but the world thought of India daily. It as even projected as a country just about to implode into a balkanized Asian region. Between 1990 and 1992, India was forced by all the major powers of the world, through World Bank and IMF, to get rid of the socialistic hurdles setup by your grand mother and great grand father. We call that now as an economic reform, but it took India a global shame of pawning its gold in London, to make balance of payments during that period. So dear, the world very much thought of India, but with lots of pity, thanks to how your family ruined India's economy by then. And the next phase is happening now with falling Rupee under your mom's government.

3) Rahul, how do you describe nights in India?

Rahul: “It was a dark night some years ago when my team and I got on the Gorakhpur”

Clarification: Dear Rahul, nights are dark everywhere in the word, keeping aside the artificial light or moon light :)

4) Rahul, how long does it take to travel to Mumbai from eastern UP?

Rahul: “from the dust of Gorakhpur to the glitter of Mumbai. Took us Thirty Six hours. It is called an Express!”

Question: Rahul, even in 2012-13 if it takes 36 hours to travel 1650 KM, and you sarcastically call that an “express”, shouldn't the blame go to your family that has ruled India for most part of these years without any significant improvement in the train speed?

5) What is Rahul's idea of the “spirit” of India?

Rahul: “I spoke to a young Muslim boy setting out to start his life. He had no idea what work he was going to do. I asked him, “Boss what happens if you reach Mumbai and there is nothing for you to do?”
(He said): “If I reach Mumbai and there is nothing for me to do, I'll get on a train, I’ll go to
Bangalore.” That is the spirit of this country. Forward moving; brave. ”

Explanation: Dear Rahul Gandhi, that is not called spirit of India. First of all a young man leaving home with no destination in mind, is a shameful state of poverty in Uttar Pradesh from where you and your mother are MPs. Secondly, what you are describing as “forward moving and brave” is actually the desperation of the poor to escape poverty in their small towns and villages, due to failed economic policies of successive governments in India, and most of them ruled by your party. Be ashamed!

You would have understood that young man's desperation only if anyone in your family worked for money in a regular job, during the past 4 generations. I am talking about 10 to 20 years of productive employment, instead of living off tax payers money. Sorry for being blunt, but you would have understood his poverty if you worked for even 10 years to earn a living in the fiercely competitive Indian job market.

6) Rahul, how do you describe monsoon early morning in Mumbai?

Rahul: “4’o clock in the morning, we walk off in the galis of Bombay, monsoon season, feet were going into puddles.”

Query: Sir, if there are puddles even in India's financial capital, can you imagine how much “Bharat Nirman” has happened in the smaller towns and cities of India during the past 9 years of your mother's governance?

7) Rahul, can you tell us about the most important infrastructure need of India?

Rahul: “We have to provide the roads on which our dreams are paved. And these roads can’t have potholes. They can’t breakdown in 6 months. They have to be big roads, because they are going to carry strong people, they are going to carry strong forces.”

Comment: Glad that you talked of roads. Do you know that the first job your family did after coming to power in 2004, was to slow down the massive road building project setup by Vajpayee government? Not only that, they even spent crores to remove his pictures from all those highways being built. And now you lecture about building roads? Wah!

8) Please tell us more about your train journey.

Rahul: “people were not the only things moving in that train. Ideas moved with them.”

Clarification: Rahul baba.. I don't know if you ever traveled for 36 hours in a train in your entire life, amidst ordinary people of India. I doubt you did considering the way you are talking about one train journey. Yes, trains carry people and trains carry ideas all the time. Ask any migrant to any big city and they will tell how they came with big ideas and positive spirit. Maybe you should travel in trains more often, particularly in the sleeper and general compartments.

9) What's the biggest problem in India today?

Rahul: “Our problem is not joblessness, it is lack of training and skills”

Shock: Dear baba.. do you even understand why people don't get jobs? Don't tell me you don't know the meaning of the word 'joblessness'!

10) Dear Rahul, describe India's educational system to a chamber full of business people.

Rahul: “Look at our text books, open them out. Most of the stuff is not really relevant to what they are going to do. Who knows what they are going to do. You know what they are going to do. Why? Because you are going to give them the jobs. You are the guys who are going to employ them. Do you have a role in our education curricula? Do they ask you? Do they? Does someone come to you and say, hey listen, what do you think? Does it happen? I am asking. Does it happen systemically? Do you have structures in universities? Not individual relationships. Do you have structures in universities that allow you to impact what the IIT is teaching? Do you? It is a question. You don’t. Those are the type of structures we have to build. Our universities structures are closed. They are silos. I meet these guys, they are brilliant guys, absolutely brilliant, but a university today is a network. It’s no longer a silo; the network has to be
connected to the industry. It has to take input from industry and it is not happening.”

Confusion: Rahul baba.. if India's text books are obsolete, if you are not sure who will give jobs to those studying those text books, if there are no structures in the universities, if the government does not consult business owners frequently, then it is whose fault? Your Congress party which has ruled for nearly all but 10 years since independence, or someone else? And, we are still scratching our head to make sense of what you said above.

11) What's Rahul's advice to a group of top business people of India?

Rahul: “And that is where you guys come in. You are the people who are going to take the lead for the creation of jobs”

Comment: Yes, they will create jobs. But what do you do with lakhs of crores of public money, being doled out through NREGA and other employment schemes? Can you tell the nation how many jobs were created during UPA 2 and contrast with earlier governments? How many jobs did you create as an MP of Amethi in the past 9 years?

12) Baba, what's that Kennedy speech excerpt you mentioned?

Rahul: “President Kennedy famously said that a rising tide raises all boats. I oversee a women’s self help group movement in my constituency and in Uttar Pradesh. Chatting to them once, I told them this and said the President of the United States said a rising tide raises all boats. A rising tide doesn’t raise people who don’t have a boat. We have to help build the boat for them”

Comment: Rahul baba.. even when giving metaphors they must make sense to the audience and also the people you talk about. Amethi is at least 40 KM from a big river and why do they even need a boat? If you talked to someone in Mangaluru, Prayag or Kanyakumari this boat analogy would have made sense to them. Something to think about..

13) Rahul sir, any views on alienation of communities?

Rahul: “When you play the politics of alienating communities you stop the flow of movement
of people and ideas – and when that happens we all suffer.”

Comment: Aha.. Do you remember your party's “Saffron terror” nonsense? When such politically and religiously motivated statements are made, without any supporting facts, will they do anything but alienate communities? Speak to Shinde, Diggy and Chidu once and also read what Wiki leaks wrote about your own views on this topic.

14) And baba, what was that comment about exponential thinking?

Rahul: “As we have moved forward to meet these challenges we must remember that we have
a tendency in India to think about solving all our problems incrementally. This is a
mistake. There are some problems, which require exponential solutions. Whenever
India has done well it has done so not by incremental steps but by radically
transforming its structures. Look at our successes – from the Green Revolution to
the White Revolution to the IT and Telecoms Revolution. All those successes were
the result of exponential thinking.”

Clarification: My head is spinning now. Who taught you about Green revolution, white revolution, IT and Telecom revolution? I am from a generation that lived through IT revolution. I can tell confidently that all the growth happened in steps. India did not jump from land line to smart phone directly. It went through basic phone upgrades. Internet for IT did not reach 20Mbps speed overnight. I used internet 18 years back via a modem when even 56 kbps was a luxury. There was no guarantee that most of the packets won't be lost in transmission. India did not get flashy Windows i7 laptops overnight. It took over 25 years to move from a 32 bit 386 processor to today's i7. India did not jump to cloud computing overnight. It took decades of computing improvements. Get your basics right Rahul baba..

15) Lastly, Rahul sir, what are the basic components of business?

Rahul: “The poor are one component of our country. Business is another component. The middle-class is the third component. We have to work with all these components.”

Comment: Ayyo... have you heard of producer and consumer model at all? Which college did you go to sir?

Did you have enough? I think I had enough of these serious remarks.

Section 3:

So, Let's read some hilarious comments from below the video:
  1. “He should be honored with the title of 'Sir' after Ravindra Jadeja.”
  2. “The level of radiation of dumbness from this guy is orders of magnitude larger than the radiation of all of the radioactive materials present on this planet”
  3. You forgot to put Rahul baba saying, Rani ki Jhansi!"
  4. “The New channel should call him every week and turn this hour into a weekly comedy show. need a headache medicine asap now.”
  5. “Share it on your Facebook profile titled as, ""Most inspiring Speech"", I bet you will lose all your friends...”
  6. “My favorite: Your are empowered but your are dis-empowered.. LOL, River, Waves, Boats.. Beehive”
  7. “My girlfriend's cat has a better IQ than this loser.”
  8. “Watching this clip was very painful and frustrating! Leave alone his IQ... I think it is criminal even to bear him speak. Now just think if ever he becomes PM? What a terror!”
  9. “My kid in the ninth standard would do a better job...what an Idiot”
  10. “He is uttering retardedness like a tracer bullet..:P”
  11. “My EARS are bleeding... But i still cant stop laughing !!”
  12. “Has he ever listened to himself??”
  13. And here is the best comment: “CII must have fired the guy who came up with idea of inviting him”
And, this particular comment sums up Rahul's IQ:

02:40 Poor people= Weak people?
04:34 "They are going to carry strong people". So leave the weak (=poor) people behind?
06:36 "let me go back to the women". (Then searches for the "women")
06:50 lost "it" (women??)
07:32 opposite of incremental is exponential?? (nobody taught that math to me)
09:30 5 crores divided among 700 pradhans. So each gets a "couple of crores". I must be a bad engineer to not know the math behind it
12:14 Definitely not if you are that guy on the horse
14:10 Yoga=Dance?

Long live Rahul baba.... and let 100s of such #PappuCII speeches flow into the “land of energy” :)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. What i wouldn't do for an unbiased review of a speech. I sat through the speech and It struck me at once that it is not one of the best.

    Although, You make pretty dumb arguments for a few questions. Let me lay them out -

    12. Amethi is at least 40 KM from a big river and why do they even need a boat? If you talked to someone in Mangaluru, Prayag or Kanyakumari this boat analogy would have made sense to them. Something to think about..

    Cmon, You write a blog and you cant be dumb enough to understand this metaphor. Rising Tides can mean rising industries, culture, ideas etc. Raised boats are talking about platforms on which people support themselves (When the tide is rising). What the whole sentence means is that even with rising ideas or industry trends, people cant capitalize on that until they have a good platform to do so. For ex. if the Software Industry is booming, everybody can capitalize on that by becoming software engineers. But if you dont have educational entities that enable people to become software engineers, there's no use for the boom itself. Ergo - Rising Tide is the Software industry, People are Software Engineers and the Boat is the Educational Institutions. Get it? The whole Mangalore or Kanyakumari remark was pretty retarded!

    14) When even 56 kbps was a luxury. There was no guarantee that most of the packets won't be lost in transmission. India did not get flashy Windows i7 laptops overnight. It took over 25 years to move from a 32 bit 386 processor to today's i7. India did not jump to cloud computing overnight. It took decades of computing improvements. Get your basics right Rahul baba..

    I have to completely disagree with you on that. I know for a fact that we, as indians, are not very forward looking. Our biggest hindrance is that we are incremental problem solvers. Incremental here means a slight improvement over the current which is what we do with all aspects of life (Build flyovers that will solve the immediate problem, Worry about the next three months of salary etc.). When it comes to IT and telecommunications or even Cloud Computing, we did take a huge leap compared to other countries. If we had followed the same evolutionary cycle in adopting technology as the countries like the US or the UK, we would be above 20 years behind. We had the advantage of skipping to mobile phones before villages got land lines. We have the advantage of skipping over to broadband than to ensure everybody in India had a dial-up connection. So sorry, our revolutions have come because of doing things on grander than incremental scales and for a fact, India has skipped some of these evolutionary cycles.

    These are just a few. I font want to delve into all details. To each his own right! (Oh wait, you might not understand that).

    Although I agree with you on Rahul Gandhi's speech not being good, but here's a surprise for you. Your blog is of similar or lesser quality! (Take the criticism if you intend Rahul Gandhi to take his).

    1. But pappu cant dance sala.....lol

    2. Mr. Vikas You have all democratic ryts to criticize Kiran but your protection of Raowl Gandi is even more less in quality which no one can digest.....You are trying to defend a monrach a bafoon & retard...

  3. Hahhahahah Kiran ji, you did hard work on this soft guy. I am sure if any congressi read this and still follows Pappu then only god can help him. Fultoo lol write-up as alwz Kiran ji.

  4. Dinesh Parikh - That video was crude but hilarious. Hope Rahul sees it once.

    Shiv Singh - Thanks dude. That video was really ROFL.. Watched it many times.

    Vikas - That boat analogy was per Rahul, explained to his constituency's women (who are mostly illiterate considering Amethi's literacy rate of 40%). So my comment was that in mind, not with educated urban audience in mind. Regarding Telecom and IT "revolution" let's agree to disagree. If India was so revolutionary, it would have jumped from 2G to 4G straight when Rahul Gandhi's mother had capability to form policies. When Sonia and coterie were "overseeing" 2G license scam in 2007 through 2009 period, South Korea already had the Mobile 4G WiMAX standard. India had no reason to go to 3G when Korea, Sweden etc already had 4G commercially available by UPA2 start.

  5. Not sure if this was an abberation or this is what he is! I see him as someone who is always talking of 'systems' without knowing what to do. Can't expect anything else, he's always had a sheltered life

    An hilarious article though...

  6. ROFL....Very hilarious....We want to get rid of the Scamgress party...We loath them like anything....& Rahul Gandhi A National Shame...

  7. Mukhiya mukhu so chahiye, khan paan ko ek Paale poose sakal ang, Tulsi sahit vivek. Kabir’s doha, when translated, means this: just as the mouth receives food that nurtures all parts of the body, the leader must be driven by similar wisdom. The Congress-led UPA is possibly unaware of this, as is obvious from the current political and socio-economic crisis it has got India into. The consequences of over several lakh crores of loot in the last nine years through the 2G, coal and other scams are now being felt across the nation. India has been assaulted like never before. While many believe that this government is weak and paralysed, the back story suggests the contrary. The present Congress government seems to be a rogue regime run with an iron fist on the lines of several authoritarian or autocratic regimes around the world. Its actions speak louder than words. The actions of this regime have ensured massive unemployment, encouraged imports that destroy local production capacities, and, most importantly, have facilitated the criminal loot of national resources. Biased journalism? Getty Images On the political front, this regime continues to engineer a separatist mindset, by fortifying ethnic groups as vote banks and by dividing India. Be it Left-wing terror, jihadist terror or any anti-India movement, the Congress is found to be creating, nurturing and controlling divisive tendencies. The root cause of all problems such as casteism, communalism, law and order or social unrest lies in illiteracy, unemployment and poverty. Survival insecurities and religious fundamentalism are being used as weapons of political mobilisation and mayhem. A closer look at the UPA’s support structure reveals how India’s institutions are being subverted. Parties supporting the UPA, such as the SP, BSP, DMK and many others, are being kept in line by the Congress party through the use of state power in the form of CBI, Enforcement Directorate, NIA, etc. Deceit and criminal intimidation have become legitimate tools of governance.

  8. Part-II

    The Congress party’s 57 years of rule have created artificial pressure groups to deceive the masses. It has planted its supporters in the executive, the media, and industry to justify and legitimise its sins. Let’s take the example of the mainstream media (MSM), especially the television media. It has a pro-Congress bias. The pattern is like this: suppress most cases of Congress-run corruption while highlighting individual and nationally irrelevant issues. Remember how embarrassingly silent the MSM was on the cash-for-votes scam that allowed UPA-1 to continue in office? Cameras were also focused on the antics of some Hindu Sena activists near a Karnataka bar in January 2009. Similarly, when the Indian economy is in a shambles, the nation is reeling under corruption, inflation has raised the cost of necessities, and there is huge unemployment and loss of job opportunities, the mainstream media finds Asaram Bapu to be the main news point. While the role of the state government is not discussed, there are regular repetitions of this episode. There are no updates on gigantic scandals such as Satyam, NREGA, Augusta Westland, and sale of Railway Board jobs. FIRs against Sheila Dikshit, Jagdish Tytler and CBI cases against Andhra Pradesh ministers are not even reported, forget taking them up for prime-time discussion. Similarly, ethnic riots in Assam, UP and nearly 5,000 cases of major and minor riots post-2004 are conveniently forgotten. The MSM has never questioned the communal credentials of the Congress party which has a history of overseeing riots in the country even while being in alliance with communal parties such as MIM, TNMMK and the Muslim League. India’s MSM has maintained complete silence involving Congress leaders and their family members in corruption cases under the disguise of editorial freedom of choice. The ethics of journalism are completely forgotten while dealing with anyone other than the Congress. The IPL saga too was part of the same unwitting efforts at cover-up. At a time when the Central government was at the receiving end of the stick and being pulled up and censured by the Supreme Court for its role in the CBI investigations into Coalgate and the mama-bhanja sale of Railway Board jobs, the media was focused on N Srinivasan’s resignation drama at BCCI. Time and again, there is an attempt to make the Indian public forget the gigantic scams involving public funds while playing IPL (private money) sagas, turning encounters into fake ones, and mocking leaders from the opposition while protecting the misdeeds and criminality of the Congress regime! The time has come to ask honest questions from the Indian media. Will the fourth pillar display integrity and act as the custodian of the right to information or ignore its duty, especially when the nation is going through a crisis? Even as I am writing this piece, important information on the indictment of Sheila Dikshit by the Delhi Lokayukta, and court orders for the registration of FIRs against her and Jagdish Tytler is in the air. But I wonder whether it will make it to prime-time discussion.

    The author has been a socio-political activist for over 20 years, is a practicing lawyer and national spokesperson of the Bharatiya Janata Party.

  9. Please change the title of this blog, many stand up comedians have taken offence on being compared to Rahul Gandhi.
    But a hilarious video, nonetheless.

  10. It is critical that corrupt Sonia and her retarded son be thrown into jail after a public hearing .

  11. The main point is that It is critical that corrupt Sonia and her retarded son be thrown into jail after a public hearing .