A Stand up Comedian called Rahul Gandhi

How do you describe Rahul Gandhi?

Beyond his fan club, this is how Rahul is described by Indians today.

1. Social Media calls him a Pappu – and it is not for no reason. You will know why after reading this writeup fully.
2. R Jethmalani frowned at him as a Disaster – This one speech will prove Ram J 100% right.
3. Youtube comments term him as a retard – And that is not longer an insult. You can see it for yourself why.
4. S Swamy “praises” him as a Buddhu – He has proved he's way beyond a Buddhu, in this speech.
5. VS Achuthanandnan laughed at him as an Amul Baby – This speech's logic will even make kids chuckle.

For now, let's politely call him a stand up comedian.. an unintended one, but that's OK :)

There are three parts to this writeup. The Video, Serious questions and Humorous comments. Ideally go in that order, but if you are pressed for time, skip the first or even the second section to run to the third section. 

Section 1:

Firstly, Watch this video of Rahul Gandhi's speech at the CII with hilarious scrolling texts, and you will know why we want to call him a stand up comedian. He turns into a joke by himself, makes no sense, has no oratory skills and makes a mockery of himself by going all around with zero meaningful message delivery.

Rahul Gandhi Epic Fails Marathon at CII (Chamber of Indian Commerce) 

Section 2:

After I made the mistake of listening to the entire video, a hilarious mistake though, let me ask Rahul Gandhi some serious questions. I swear to God, I could not make head or tail of what he was saying, so these are honest questions of a confused listener. If you have a chance to meet Rahul ever, as he has no presence in the social media directly, please pass on these questions to him and educate us about his answers.

1) Dear Rahul Gandhi, What is India?

Rahul: “There is a tendency to look at India as a country. In our everyday life we see India as a national structure. But if you go back slightly more than that, go back a hundred, two hundred years, you would find that India is energy, it is a force. If you go back a thousand years, two thousand years, you would find that force came from our rivers, Ganga, Yamuna, Saraswati. We worshiped these rivers and the reason we worshiped these rivers was because that is where our energy came from, and everything we had was built on these rivers. Now we have gone way beyond that. We have built structures that are allowing this energy to rise, to explode. And it’s an honour for me to be here because as this energy moves from India and goes abroad, you are the cutting edge. You are the people on the first line. You are the people who are our ambassadors. You are the people who tell the world what this energy is about“

Confusion: Dear Rahul, if India is not a country, but a national structure, which was energy 200 years back, also a force 200 years back, was the energy of rivers we worshiped 2000 years back, and now this energy is about to explode, and it will move abroad via the cutting edge first line of business people (the audience), who are also the ambassadors, what should they tell the world India is?? Can you come again?

2) Did anyone in the world think of India in 1991?

Rahul: “Over the last couple of years, you have done a tremendous job. The image of India
has changed. I went to University in 1991, and I remember, nobody thought of India.”

Clarification: Rahul, I don't know if you recall properly while getting into that 'unnamed' university in 1991, but I was old enough in 1991 to absorb the world views clearly. The world was laughing at India that went bankrupt by 1990. Yes, the image was not positive, but the world thought of India daily. It as even projected as a country just about to implode into a balkanized Asian region. Between 1990 and 1992, India was forced by all the major powers of the world, through World Bank and IMF, to get rid of the socialistic hurdles setup by your grand mother and great grand father. We call that now as an economic reform, but it took India a global shame of pawning its gold in London, to make balance of payments during that period. So dear, the world very much thought of India, but with lots of pity, thanks to how your family ruined India's economy by then. And the next phase is happening now with falling Rupee under your mom's government.

3) Rahul, how do you describe nights in India?

Rahul: “It was a dark night some years ago when my team and I got on the Gorakhpur”

Clarification: Dear Rahul, nights are dark everywhere in the word, keeping aside the artificial light or moon light :)

4) Rahul, how long does it take to travel to Mumbai from eastern UP?

Rahul: “from the dust of Gorakhpur to the glitter of Mumbai. Took us Thirty Six hours. It is called an Express!”

Question: Rahul, even in 2012-13 if it takes 36 hours to travel 1650 KM, and you sarcastically call that an “express”, shouldn't the blame go to your family that has ruled India for most part of these years without any significant improvement in the train speed?

5) What is Rahul's idea of the “spirit” of India?

Rahul: “I spoke to a young Muslim boy setting out to start his life. He had no idea what work he was going to do. I asked him, “Boss what happens if you reach Mumbai and there is nothing for you to do?”
(He said): “If I reach Mumbai and there is nothing for me to do, I'll get on a train, I’ll go to
Bangalore.” That is the spirit of this country. Forward moving; brave. ”

Explanation: Dear Rahul Gandhi, that is not called spirit of India. First of all a young man leaving home with no destination in mind, is a shameful state of poverty in Uttar Pradesh from where you and your mother are MPs. Secondly, what you are describing as “forward moving and brave” is actually the desperation of the poor to escape poverty in their small towns and villages, due to failed economic policies of successive governments in India, and most of them ruled by your party. Be ashamed!

You would have understood that young man's desperation only if anyone in your family worked for money in a regular job, during the past 4 generations. I am talking about 10 to 20 years of productive employment, instead of living off tax payers money. Sorry for being blunt, but you would have understood his poverty if you worked for even 10 years to earn a living in the fiercely competitive Indian job market.

6) Rahul, how do you describe monsoon early morning in Mumbai?

Rahul: “4’o clock in the morning, we walk off in the galis of Bombay, monsoon season, feet were going into puddles.”

Query: Sir, if there are puddles even in India's financial capital, can you imagine how much “Bharat Nirman” has happened in the smaller towns and cities of India during the past 9 years of your mother's governance?

7) Rahul, can you tell us about the most important infrastructure need of India?

Rahul: “We have to provide the roads on which our dreams are paved. And these roads can’t have potholes. They can’t breakdown in 6 months. They have to be big roads, because they are going to carry strong people, they are going to carry strong forces.”

Comment: Glad that you talked of roads. Do you know that the first job your family did after coming to power in 2004, was to slow down the massive road building project setup by Vajpayee government? Not only that, they even spent crores to remove his pictures from all those highways being built. And now you lecture about building roads? Wah!

8) Please tell us more about your train journey.

Rahul: “people were not the only things moving in that train. Ideas moved with them.”

Clarification: Rahul baba.. I don't know if you ever traveled for 36 hours in a train in your entire life, amidst ordinary people of India. I doubt you did considering the way you are talking about one train journey. Yes, trains carry people and trains carry ideas all the time. Ask any migrant to any big city and they will tell how they came with big ideas and positive spirit. Maybe you should travel in trains more often, particularly in the sleeper and general compartments.

9) What's the biggest problem in India today?

Rahul: “Our problem is not joblessness, it is lack of training and skills”

Shock: Dear baba.. do you even understand why people don't get jobs? Don't tell me you don't know the meaning of the word 'joblessness'!

10) Dear Rahul, describe India's educational system to a chamber full of business people.

Rahul: “Look at our text books, open them out. Most of the stuff is not really relevant to what they are going to do. Who knows what they are going to do. You know what they are going to do. Why? Because you are going to give them the jobs. You are the guys who are going to employ them. Do you have a role in our education curricula? Do they ask you? Do they? Does someone come to you and say, hey listen, what do you think? Does it happen? I am asking. Does it happen systemically? Do you have structures in universities? Not individual relationships. Do you have structures in universities that allow you to impact what the IIT is teaching? Do you? It is a question. You don’t. Those are the type of structures we have to build. Our universities structures are closed. They are silos. I meet these guys, they are brilliant guys, absolutely brilliant, but a university today is a network. It’s no longer a silo; the network has to be
connected to the industry. It has to take input from industry and it is not happening.”

Confusion: Rahul baba.. if India's text books are obsolete, if you are not sure who will give jobs to those studying those text books, if there are no structures in the universities, if the government does not consult business owners frequently, then it is whose fault? Your Congress party which has ruled for nearly all but 10 years since independence, or someone else? And, we are still scratching our head to make sense of what you said above.

11) What's Rahul's advice to a group of top business people of India?

Rahul: “And that is where you guys come in. You are the people who are going to take the lead for the creation of jobs”

Comment: Yes, they will create jobs. But what do you do with lakhs of crores of public money, being doled out through NREGA and other employment schemes? Can you tell the nation how many jobs were created during UPA 2 and contrast with earlier governments? How many jobs did you create as an MP of Amethi in the past 9 years?

12) Baba, what's that Kennedy speech excerpt you mentioned?

Rahul: “President Kennedy famously said that a rising tide raises all boats. I oversee a women’s self help group movement in my constituency and in Uttar Pradesh. Chatting to them once, I told them this and said the President of the United States said a rising tide raises all boats. A rising tide doesn’t raise people who don’t have a boat. We have to help build the boat for them”

Comment: Rahul baba.. even when giving metaphors they must make sense to the audience and also the people you talk about. Amethi is at least 40 KM from a big river and why do they even need a boat? If you talked to someone in Mangaluru, Prayag or Kanyakumari this boat analogy would have made sense to them. Something to think about..

13) Rahul sir, any views on alienation of communities?

Rahul: “When you play the politics of alienating communities you stop the flow of movement
of people and ideas – and when that happens we all suffer.”

Comment: Aha.. Do you remember your party's “Saffron terror” nonsense? When such politically and religiously motivated statements are made, without any supporting facts, will they do anything but alienate communities? Speak to Shinde, Diggy and Chidu once and also read what Wiki leaks wrote about your own views on this topic.

14) And baba, what was that comment about exponential thinking?

Rahul: “As we have moved forward to meet these challenges we must remember that we have
a tendency in India to think about solving all our problems incrementally. This is a
mistake. There are some problems, which require exponential solutions. Whenever
India has done well it has done so not by incremental steps but by radically
transforming its structures. Look at our successes – from the Green Revolution to
the White Revolution to the IT and Telecoms Revolution. All those successes were
the result of exponential thinking.”

Clarification: My head is spinning now. Who taught you about Green revolution, white revolution, IT and Telecom revolution? I am from a generation that lived through IT revolution. I can tell confidently that all the growth happened in steps. India did not jump from land line to smart phone directly. It went through basic phone upgrades. Internet for IT did not reach 20Mbps speed overnight. I used internet 18 years back via a modem when even 56 kbps was a luxury. There was no guarantee that most of the packets won't be lost in transmission. India did not get flashy Windows i7 laptops overnight. It took over 25 years to move from a 32 bit 386 processor to today's i7. India did not jump to cloud computing overnight. It took decades of computing improvements. Get your basics right Rahul baba..

15) Lastly, Rahul sir, what are the basic components of business?

Rahul: “The poor are one component of our country. Business is another component. The middle-class is the third component. We have to work with all these components.”

Comment: Ayyo... have you heard of producer and consumer model at all? Which college did you go to sir?

Did you have enough? I think I had enough of these serious remarks.

Section 3:

So, Let's read some hilarious comments from below the video:

1. “He should be honored with the title of 'Sir' after Ravindra Jadeja.”
2. “The level of radiation of dumbness from this guy is orders of magnitude larger than the radiation of all of the radioactive materials present on this planet”
3. “You forgot to put Rahul baba saying, Rani ki Jhansi!"
4. “The New channel should call him every week and turn this hour into a weekly comedy show. need a headache medicine asap now.”
5. “Share it on your Facebook profile titled as, ""Most inspiring Speech"", I bet you will lose all your friends...”
   
6. “My favorite: Your are empowered but your are dis-empowered.. LOL, River, Waves, Boats.. Beehive”
7. “My girlfriend's cat has a better IQ than this loser.”
8. “Watching this clip was very painful and frustrating! Leave alone his IQ... I think it is criminal even to bear him speak. Now just think if ever he becomes PM? What a terror!”
9. “My kid in the ninth standard would do a better job...what an Idiot”
10. “He is uttering retardedness like a tracer bullet..:P”
11. “My EARS are bleeding... But i still cant stop laughing !!”
12. “Has he ever listened to himself??”
13. And here is the best comment: “CII must have fired the guy who came up with idea of inviting him”

And, this particular comment sums up Rahul's IQ:

02:40 Poor people= Weak people?
04:34 "They are going to carry strong people". So leave the weak (=poor) people behind?
06:36 "let me go back to the women". (Then searches for the "women")
06:50 lost "it" (women??)
07:32 opposite of incremental is exponential?? (nobody taught that math to me)
09:30 5 crores divided among 700 pradhans. So each gets a "couple of crores". I must be a bad engineer to not know the math behind it
12:14 Definitely not if you are that guy on the horse
14:10 Yoga=Dance?

Long live Rahul baba.... and let 100s of such #PappuCII speeches flow into the “land of energy” :)

Text of the speech is used from ABP News source: http://www.newsbullet.in/india/34-more/40940-full-text-of-rahul-gandhis-cii-speech